


My Aching Soul

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-29
Updated: 2006-03-29
Packaged: 2019-02-02 08:39:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12723267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Daniel tells us of lessons learned in a series of tales from his life as a subservient in a dom/sub society and the intricacies of his relationship with Jack O'Neill.





	My Aching Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Dominant/submissive relationship  


* * *

"Go home Daniel"

I paused in my blind tirade of words and glanced over to Jack. He was now standing behind his desk, an angered yet hurt expression running across his brow and reflecting from his eyes. I made to speak again only the words which had pouring from my mouth from my own anger and frustration had suddenly left me empty and a realisation started to etch across my mind Guilt hit like a wave and I sought to find soothing words of apology but Jack silenced me again with a firm look and a steady hard voice.

"Jack I..."

"I said go home Daniel"

With that he sat behind his desk once more and looked over the paperwork which lay before him. I stayed motionless for a second, watching before quickly obeying his order in silence. As I walked the corridors of SGC I went over the events in my mind and muttered words of self infliction upon myself.

God where had that all poured from? Had I finally taken leave of my senses? How could I have said such awful hurtful things to Jack? My Jack, the one who owned my body, heart, soul. The one who had shown me that in the strange pitiful existence I should have been living as a subservient on this godforsaken planet, I did belong somewhere, that it wasn't out of power and control that I was here to adhere too for every man or woman who's every whim I was there to serve. Jack had taken me on a journey for both of us, and through it we had become an intricate web of contrast against the world we had been brought up to exist in.

It had fallen easily into place; Jack had taken to me as soon as he we had met. From our very first night together our hearts seemed to have melted into one. He had a power and control certainly over me, but it had been one I had eagerly handed to him as he led me the journey, taught me lessons I would never have learned had I followed the ways I'd been taught and trained in.

Had I lost it all in a senseless abandonment of my thoughts? I had been angry at the way things had panned out over the Olgan people. Events had spun out of control and I felt it was our fault. My deep emotions which I always found hard to control had been stirred up by the way in which we couldn't and shouldn't hold ourselves accountable. Things had gone wrong on both sides; the SGC washed their hands of it and moved on. Only I couldn't move on and wasn't prepared to let anyone else either. Jack had noticed by growing irritation in the briefing room and had hastily brought a close to it before taking me to his office. Things had been calm, we'd sat, he'd spoke, I raised a slight argument, aware of what I was doing and carefully trying to push my way through the barriers which Jack was firmly setting in place to prevent an outburst. But it had all become too much, my mind had taken over, and it had all ended in a heaving mass of rubble before us.

* * *

I drove home, still murmuring in cohesive nonsense at myself. As I entered the house it felt empty and seemed to pity my loss and taunt me for having brought it upon myself. I went through the rooms quietly switching on lights, wondering where it would go from here. If Jack would return this evening, how he would be, what would happen for us? My mind went through any sort of punishment I could suggest he use on me in order to put this behind us but none sprang to mind. Jack had never really used any form of spanking on me, apart from in any pleasure seeking way. If I cast my mind back, there had never been a time when I'd turned with such disgusting vehemenence against him. The words I'd spoken in his office had sprung from an unknown source and I had no idea why I'd even had them in me.

I mused on the fact that perhaps they'd been built from events through childhood to present which I'd stored up and the lock had decided enough was enough and opened the floodgates. Maybe my mind and body were trying to tell me I needed to get it all out. But why hadn't I thought it through objectively, studied them privately and eventually come to Jack with my fears, thoughts, hate of the world around us, frustrations. He would have listened, been calm, a rock. Jack always listened to me, whether I babbled about some non important part of the day or had a serious concern of something. He enjoyed listening, in fact he almost ordered me to speak sometimes, asked me what I was thinking in a moment. He said he loved how words formed in my mind to describe a situation, whether they be familiar or foreign.

I sat at the kitchen table unsure as to how to prepare for his arrival. The shrill ring of the telephone brought me from my thoughts and I rose to pick it up from the kitchen counter.

"Hello?"

"If your making a meal prepare for an extra person and get the spare bedroom sorted and set up the camp bed, we have company. We'll be home soon, bye"

I was about to reply but Jack was already bidding his goodbye and hung up. I was curious as to whom he would be bringing home but it was not my duty to question only to do as he asked. I looked through the cupboards and set some food cooking before heading to the spare room and getting it in order for guests, making both the bed and camp bed which I set against the opposite wall. I forced myself to concentrate on evening preparations and not let my mind wander as to what Jack had in mind later. I was in the kitchen when I heard the key turning the lock and the door creaking softly open.

"Daniel?"

Jack called softly to me in a calm voice, and I went to the hallway to see him and Lieutenant Robert Johnson standing hanging their coats up.

Jack turned and saw me standing and I watched as he placed a hand at the small of Roberts back leading him along the hall toward me.

"Hey, something smells good. You two have met"

"Hi Daniel"

"Robert" I smiled politely and bobbed my head slightly in greeting.

Robert looked slightly unsure as to the situation, the obvious tension between Jack and myself being felt by him as Jack led them both past me to the kitchen. I turned and followed rounding the table back to the hob as I listened to chairs being pulled out.

Dinner was awkward, I found myself constantly glancing at Jack who in turn watched me with eagle eyes or turned his full attention to Robert. Jack started small talk on hockey and I found myself without an appetite and unable to enter much in the conversation as a rising sense of panic, frustration and jealousy lifted inside me. After dinner, I cleared the plates away aware that Jack's hand had lain softly over Roberts throughout the meal and fingers were gently brushing together.

"Leave the dishes Daniel. Show Robert to the bathroom, he's taking a shower."

Robert stood, a slight flush in his cheeks and smile lighting his lips as I led the way to the bathroom along the hall. I retrieved a towel from the cupboard and handed it to Robert who whispered a thankyou and shut the door behind him. Turning Jack was standing watching me and motioned for me to follow him to the master bedroom.

"Clothes off Daniel" he said, disappearing into the en suite.

The thoughts that another man invaded our privacy came and left after hearing the quiet tone of the order Jack had given me. I quickly obeyed, stripping off my clothing and folding it neatly placing it on the chair in the corner, brushing aside any Inclinations deciding I had already caused an unnecessarily bad situation without adding to it. Jack came back out from the bathroom, setting some items on the cabinet by the bed. Looking over me for a moment and approaching slowly with an intense glare.

I had to lower my eyes from the look, afraid of what it held, hurt, anger, pain of betrayal. He placed a hand on my arm, a tight firm familiar grip and a finger pressed up at my chin, my face rising to look up at him. My body seemed to drain of all strength as those eyes looked into mine. The pain present in them seemed to embrace me, twisting and turning in my gut.

"You will watch everything that will take place here Daniel, without question, words, sound. You don't move from this spot, just stand here and watch. Understand?"

Words seemed to have left me; his voice was calm, demanding, and steady. The grip on my arm tightened for a moment and the dark eyes burned deeper into mine.

"I said do you understand?"

The voice had become low, masterful, and it frightened me that he had to use the tone which had been used rarely and usually in the form of some animal madness of passion which could overcome both of us, when it was so overwhelming in him to have me that it reached the very depths and brought out the demanding essence of him. This time it was used as a command, a determination that I followed every word he uttered without thought or feeling, just utter subservience.

"Yes"

"Yes what?"

I paused and all rational thought left me, as those dark black brown eyes saw to my very soul and sought out the very depths of my heart. I knew it was a lesson of some sorts and needed Jack to teach me its ways. Master and Sir were things which were not demanded of me to say too and or call Jack by, in the heat of pleasure, of wanton desire the salutations dropped from my lips with loving reverie. Jack was making sure I was tuned in, to know this was a lesson I needed to be taught and he needed me in the right frame of mind to learn it.

"Yes Master"

With that Jack dropped his hands and stepped back from me, keeping my focus with his eyes, before shifting his look to the door. I watched as he moved away from me, hearing the bathroom door opening, Jack walked to the door and a smile lighted his lips, before Robert came into my eye line, a towel loosely wrapped around his waist.

"Robert, enjoy your shower?"

Robert was a calm quiet man; we were more acquaintances than friends. Colonel Saunders had known Jack from way back and so it had been inevitable I and Robert had been introduced. Jack had never asked to bring Robert home for an evening or any other on that score, although it wasn't unknown for officers to take the liberty of requesting taking their fellow officers subs home with them. Saunders, like Jack was quite content with Robert being his own, not in need of any other and unwilling to share. Jack obviously had a solid reason for the request, felt comfortable to request Robert join us of that I knew, but I still didn't understand why and what was going on?

"Yes thankyou" replied Robert, with a low voice, quite at ease with me naked and watching silently.

Jack was running his hands along the curving lines of Roberts's biceps; I followed their path along the slightly dampened tanned skin. Jack slipped his hand into Robert and pulled him further into the bedroom, his other hand tugging at the loose binding of the towel and letting it drop to the floor. I watched as Jacks hands delved softly downwards, his head bobbing to those soft full lips of Robert and pressing lightly against them. Robert reciprocated and lifted his hands to rest at Jacks waist. They turned as they kissed and Jack pushed back further guiding them to the bed.

I felt a pang of jealousy running through my gut as they reached the bed and Jack pulled back. I found the urge of my eyes to turn and look away but I forced myself to watch as Roberts ran his hands to Jack's shirt and started undoing buttons slow and precisely, Jack held a soft smile and ran his fingers over the curves of muscles near him, fingers running down the ripples of Roberts back to cup a firm buttock as Robert pushed back the confines of his shirt and revealed his broad familiar chest.

I could feel my mouth watering slightly as Robert drank in the sight, before his head delved down and kissed softly. Jack ran his hand up to his hair and fingers brushed through the blond strands softly as Robert kissed and laved. My breath hitched in my throat a moment as Jack shirked his shirt from his body and pushed softly at Roberts's shoulders. Robert followed the silent command and moved lower sitting on the edge of the bed, his slender fingers finding Jacks belt buckle. I watched as he paused and glanced upwards, I watched the silent nodding of Jacks head as his fingers followed Roberts jaw line.

Robert undid Jacks belt, and worked on the button, bending forward and kissing Jacks taught stomach. A sickened feeling entered my own stomach as I followed the movement of Robert lowering Jacks zip of his pants. I took in the moment as Robert's lips covered Jacks cock, watched the Master tense for a second as lips engulfed. Jacks eyes closed in concentration, his fingers tightening in Roberts's hair as he took the cock into his mouth. The moment passed and Jack opened his eyes once more to look down at the servant taking his fill. A hand softly guided the head to move, I drank in every movement of Jacks body as he concentrated on every movement of Robert's body.

I felt the need to go to them and wrap my arms about the arms of my Master. I wanted to go to him, but my body was controlled by my mind and an order which had been issued from those lips which now opened with soft moans of pleasure. I stayed rooted to the spot but a bile rose in the back of my throat as I watched another pleasuring him. Jack allowed himself a few moments of feeling the flames Robert was stirring to rise up before taking control once more of the situation. He pulled gently at Roberts head and moved his hips away from the warmth of his mouth. Robert raised his head and looked upwards smiling a tongue slipping over the slightly bruised plump lips. Jack motioned to his trousers and Robert pushed them further down, waiting for Jack to step out from them and folding them neatly to the side. Jack pulled him upwards to stand in front of him and captured him in another embrace, this time their mouths moved with a firm awoken passion. Hands travelled over each others bodies before Jack pulled back and I saw the intense blackness taking in the look of the young man before him.

I sensed a shiver travel over Robert, one which I could feel in my very core. A feeling which had travelled throughout my own limbs after catching that look from Jack. I watched and my heart skipped a beat as Jack ran his hand over Roberts face, following his jaw line before turning him around. Robert bent over the bed, as Jack guided him, his hands propping him up on the soft mattress. Once more my eyes wanted to leave the scene; I wanted to close the sight of my heart making love to another man. I realised Jack had ignored me completely to this point, and I doubted would give me a glance until the end of this charade. It was a charade, a way of telling me something but what? That if I did anything or said like I had again he would abandon me for a more submissive man. That he would make me watch him take another man with a passion every time, teasing me and making me feel such a hurt it made my gut wrench.

My mind quested back to the flashing moments in his office as I watched Jack reach for small tube lying on the cabinet and smear clear liquid onto his hands.

"Daniel there's nothing we could have done about it"

"You're wrong about that Jack. Those people made a mistake and we turn our backs on them?"

Fingers glided over a curving buttock, a hand gently stroking as the fingers disappeared into the crease.

"Daniel we helped, they slapped us back in the face. They turned on us, we didn't turn on them"

"We should have tried reasoning with them"

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise your being on that planet for the past three days trying to organise peace talks was for everything other than reasoning"

Robert's face was full of concentration, completely zoning to what Jack's fingers were doing. Jacks hand worked softly and with care, I followed the movements of his hand and arm as he prepared Robert with a practised ease.

"Daniel, calm down and think about it rationally."

"I am calm Jack. And rationally thinking, I'm too calm, we're all too calm. We just abandoned thousands of innocent people. We should go back, try and sort things..."

"No Daniel, we offered a helping hand, they didn't like what was being offered, tried to take more and kicked up a fuss when the hand was withdrawn. Look I know you, your getting too caught up with the events..."

"If you knew me you'd understand how important this is to me"

"I do know you Daniel and I do know how important this is to you but..."

Robert let out a mewl of pleasure as Jack prepared him. I couldn't see the intricacies of the preparation only the motion of Jacks hand, I could imagine his fingers inside the tightness, thrusting delicately in and out, perhaps scissoring, seeking out the soft bud of pleasure inside.

"No Jack, you think you know me. You own me so therefore you assume you know me. The fact that we are having this conversation shows you know no more about me than any other man of this god damn base." I'd risen to my feet at this time and my voice was no longer hushed "The way you're treating this is the way you treat everything about me without regard. You control therefore its right. As long as everything slips into a perfect place for your perfect existence"

"Daniel I suggest you go cool down for a while before we continue"

"And I suggest we finish this now"

"Daniel lets not go there. This is obviously something deeper than what went on the past week with the Olgan people and we will discuss it off base."

"Yeah off base, where you won't be seen by your peers, having an argument with someone you own and should have control of."

My breath hitched up a notch as Jack pulled back his hand, Robert dropping soft moans from his lips, eyes closed, arms straining slightly to hold himself up. Jack had obviously hit the mark as I saw Robert's own swelled cock hanging beneath his bent over body drops of precum at its head, glinting in the soft bedroom light.

"Daniel..."

"That's all I am to you, another thing you can control. You call me in here, with the knowledge you can flick the buttons and get me back on track. Sit there with the same smug face that you were able to prevent the embarrassment of Jackson getting out of hand in front of your fellow officers. It wouldn't do for the General's sub to get out of hand would it? How could you hold your head up in front of them? You sit there calmly, expecting me to switch off my emotions because you order it, because that's how you live and therefore I should too. I'm yours and should live like you, emotionless, void of feeling. You say sit, I sit, you say beg, I beg a mindless machine following orders. An easy accessible fuck, there for you every whim, a piece of ass you hold and own. You pretend to know me but you don't, you pretend to care and love and cherish, but it's all an act. A mindless heedless act, one you've been trained to live in, one I've been trained to follow."

I had paused with a giddy head of frustration which is when Jack had sprung into calm action of ordering me home.

My eyes followed the movement as Jack slipped a condom over his cock before squirting the clear liquid of lubricant into his hand and firmly stroking himself a few solid times. Placing his hands on Roberts hips he guided his cock to the crease and with gentle pressure pushed forward. I watched the reaction of Robert, head lifting slightly, mouth open softly, brow creased as his body adjusted to the sensation of Jack breaching him. Jack was also full of concentration, guiding himself slow but firmly, holding Roberts hips, fingers wrapping around the slim edges and slowly but surely penetrating the younger man bent down before him.

It was all getting too much, I wanted to go to them, my heart beat so loudly in my chest I feared it would charge through from the pace. I felt a pain that Jack would make me go through this that he would do this with another man in front of me with disregard that I was standing watching. My body seemed drained of any sexual emotion; I couldn't feel any whims of eroticism at watching my love take another man in front of me. Another sharp pang shot through me as a moan of pleasure darted from Roberts lips as Jack thrusted his way home. I was frustrated, how was this teaching me? I'd gotten angry, over emotional, said hateful things and Jack had decided the greatest form of punishment was to do this?

My fists clenched by my side as if in a way of physical prevention of my body taking over and marching across the floor and pulling the two apart. Jack closed his eyes and paused for a moment as he rammed home and they both adjusted to the new feel of each other. I felt like I was intruding on the intimate act between the two, standing naked watching every delicate movement. Jack's eyes opened, focused on the back of Robert and moved once more, a hand slipped from Robert's hip and moved easily further round his body, I could see it wrap around the engorged cock and all Robert could do was lift his head back moaning in the intense passion Jack was enticing upon him.

From Robert's incoherent mutterings I knew Jack was hitting home every time, I could see the way he angled his hips it was his intention as his hand matched the gentle thrusts he was creating. I felt another pang of jealousy that it should be me making those noises, feeling those overcharged passions, have those fingers bringing me further to delicious ecstasy. I could feel a flush rising in my own cheeks as Jack continued his ministrations, carefully and without any rush to bring it to a conclusion. Robert strained upwards with his arms and I watched the small nuances of his muscles pushing his body back, further impaling himself on Jack's thrusts.

Jack complied further with strong even strokes, keeping a steady thrusting motion, I saw the slight change of pace of his manipulating fingers, getting faster and out of sync with his thrusts and throwing Roberts concentration completely. A technique he had used on me once or twice, a hand stroking you with sweet abandon and a hard cock brushing you prostrate with steady even strokes was enough to melt your body into sweet deliverance which was the effect the two brought upon Robert. His head thrown back, with a low guttural moan of pleasure he shot his come over Jack's hand, shooting over the bed and onto the floor. Jack paused his thrusts and waited while Robert rode the waves, his arms shaking with overworked muscles in need of rest after tensing from the orgasm brought upon him.

Jacks hand slipped from his now spent cock and slipped about his waist guiding him further down so his head rested on the covers and his arms found a more comfortable place. Jack did this with a reverie in his eyes, and lifting his hand he stroked down the length of Roberts spine from neck to tailbone and I was overwhelmed by the look in those eyes, distant yet aware of every shift of the man beneath him. His fingers move back to their original place at the curve of Robert's hip and he started his thrusts once more, I noticed Roberts body trembled slightly as Jack hit the sweet spot inside once more, obviously caressing against the over sensitized bud. Jack drove home with a controlled ability, I watched as he closed his eyes in control of waves ebbing through him, the fingers digging deeper into skin, mouth closed to any sounds he may have wanted to utter, lips pursed together as he drove home harder and faster.

I blinked in pain and jealous lust as the edge became all too apparent, and Jack gripped the hips beneath him and he drove into the tightness one final time. Body tense, jerking solidly and deep inside, hands slipped from those hips and slid along Roberts back once more, as Jack pulled softly from him. He divested himself of the used condom, as Robert breathed steadily still bent over, catching his breath before making to move, straightening up slightly and stretching his tired arms.

I found my eyes had filled with tears as I blinked after what seemed like an eternity, but I couldn't understand why they were there. What had it all been for? If Jack had meant for me to be jealous, or afraid of losing him it had gotten the desired effect. The gritted teeth and clenched fists, my tense muscles and fast beating heart could tell him that. Robert stood and turned and Jack kissed him softly on the lips, hand entwining into Robert's before he pulled his head back once more, his other hand whispering over Robert's jaw line, a soft smile lighting his lips.

"You may want to take another shower"

Robert reciprocated the smile and nodded with a soft shake of the shoulders in quiet private moment of giddy satisfied laughter. Jack turned brown eyes to me, after what seemed like an eternity without them.

"Daniel, I think my duvet needs a fresh cover, change it for me while I show Robert the spare room"

With that he turned his attention from me back to Robert and pulled him softly towards the bedroom door. I was dumbfounded at the events, and unclenched my hands slowly. What on earth had transpired was beyond me, but I found myself trailing over to the large set of drawers, lowering to the lowest one and pulling out a duvet cover. I mindlessly changed the duvet cover of the bed and turned to find myself being watched from the doorway.

"Thankyou Daniel. Robert is taking another shower; take him his towel on the way out"

I paused in thought and remembered I'd set up the camp bed in the spare room and it was obviously where I would be sleeping this evening. I crossed the floor and picked up the towel where it had been dropped, standing and coming face to face with Jack. I couldn't breathe; I felt overwhelmed and strangely at a loss for words, and tears were filling my eyes once more, as if the pain of what had just happened mixed with the loss I felt for anything pertaining to Jack melded into one. I caught my breath and avoided the seeking eyes and Jack was content this time to let me keep from eye contact. He settled his hand at my shoulder and dropped a kiss on my temple, whispering against my skin.

"Goodnight Daniel"

I felt ashamed, angry, jealous, tormented, hurt, part of me wanted to wrap my arms about that body and not let it go and the other wanted to place my hands at his chest and pound it with all my strength. And I wanted him to do the same, embrace me or beat me. Anything but leaving me to my own thoughts and feelings, leaving me drained from a lesson I couldn't understand nor wished to learn if it left me with such a painful yearning. Instead I murmured goodnight and left him, closing the door behind me and crossing the hall to the bathroom. I knocked twice and opened it to find Robert stepping from the shower. I held out the towel which he took from me and I left him to sort him, heading for the spare room. I waited in silence, sitting on the camp bed my mind shattered by endless thoughts until he came to the bedroom and I had a chance to go and sort to my own needs in the bathroom. As I washed my face I glared at the face in the mirror, a reflection of blank frustration gazed back to me. I mindlessly brushed my teeth, removed my contacts, placing on my glasses avoiding any moments of looking into the mirror further and made my exit.

After checking the lights in the front rooms and the locked front door I finally entered the bedroom to find it bathed in a muted darkness, the only light coming through the blinds of the moon which rested high in the night sky. Robert's steady breathing brought home to me that fact that he had been pleasantly sated from the session and sleep had easily claimed him. I took some comfort in knowing he wouldn't also be sharing Jack's bed this evening. I closed the blinds and blindly found my way into bed dropping my glasses tot eh cabinet as I passed. Sleep didn't come to me for a long time. Instead I went over the events which had taken place, from start to finish restlessly shifting unable to calm my frayed nerves.

I must have drifted into sleep, as my body jerked awake. I breathed a few times, my heart pounded in my chest, the room was still in darkness but I couldn't tell if I'd slept a few hours or minutes. Shapes of the room were hazy; I wiped my hands over my face, squeezing the bridge of my nose. Images of Jack and Robert skimmed through my mind as jumbled images. I pushed the covers from my overheated body, my hand over my chest thinking. Flashes of the act continued to bombard me in all their glory and I frowned to myself. There was something strange about the situation, a point I'd not picked up on and which I couldn't pinpoint but definitely a feeling making itself known.

* * *

As I started to doze off once more my mind picked up on my past, my first time with a man, the training grounds of the Madison camps, the tests, the men who used me, the beatings I'd taken, the acts forced upon me. They seemed distantly unfamiliar, as if I hadn't experienced them, I remembered I had come to change my frame of mind ion those days, caused my soul to hide from the physical body so I wouldn't be shattered to broken shards over and over.

But thankfully my passion for archaeology hadn't been taken from me as my body had been and I was encouraged to let my love of it grow further, I secretly dove into my studies of the Pyramids, studying on their origins. I learned languages, and during the day my soul was kept intact by pouring over endless ancient texts and old books of long lost cultures at night in the arms of another my soul hid and I went through the motions of my station like a mindless being. And then a saving light in the form of Catherine came and I was transferred to Cheyenne. I'd never met another like Catherine; she opened me up to new thoughts, saw my genius and enticed it with thoughts of the pyramids being built by being not of this world. And so my life at the SGC had been set in motion. Six months after joining, studying, being in the midst of a wonderful new road opening up Jack had come into my life.

I had found myself overcome with a shyness and an over awe for the man, I found myself constantly aware of my stance, my appearance, my very body language whenever I was in his midst, hoping with a quiet exuberance that he would notice me. I found he treated me with a mixed regard, courteous, aware of my expertise and calling on it, but at other times unaware of my very existence and ignoring me as any other low creature which walked the halls.

Over time we talked, he remembered small nuances of information of my past I must have spoken of, although at times I couldn't recall when or why I would have spoken of such things to him. Martin, a good friend and comrade from the camps who had been transferred to the SGC when it became an official operation, told me that I was lucky a man like O'Neill had taken to me. I brushed off his comments but he insisted Jack definitely had his eye on me, and would eventually take me as his own. I learned Jack was a laid back individual, took everything in his stride, one day at a time. I didn't even notice how my routine started t generally fall around his, like everything perfectly slipped into place. When Martin spoke as he did I could feel a colour rising in my cheeks, a flush of hope that Jack O'Neill did indeed notice the bumbling shy archaeologist in complete awe of him and willing to tread a journey with him?

* * *

I sighed and turned on my bed, pushing the covers further from me and wishing sleep upon me if only to escape the thoughts and feelings of fear and pain I'd brought upon myself in a flash of broken anger from my depths. Jack had taken me under his wing, made me forget the past with all its hurts, pains, feelings of worthlessness I'd wrapped around my life like cotton buds of protection. He told me I was beautiful, amazing, and wonderful. He would drink in my scent, make note of every curve and line of my body, and taste my skin. Jack knew me inside and out, my fears, my desires, and my frustrations. he knew them because I'd willingly poured my heart out to him, over time, letting him inch his way into me and wedge himself completely in my soul till I knew neither where mine began nor his ended.

I pulled the pillow further down and hugged it, the pain and guilt twisting in my gut as the motions of him and Roberts in the bedroom filed my mind again. I had stood, watched, agonised at each soft movement between them from the moment of touch to the sweet end of completion. It was all so rudimentary, each movement echoing the course of how things should be done. I remembered being pushed down and have some mans cock thrust into my open mouth when I was made to give head the first time, I remember being bent over, fingers thrust into my anus with no warning or explanation just the command that I stay still and take it, before a entity foreign and frightening invaded my senses and thrust into my unwilling body. I felt the pain of loneliness and fear rise inside me as the feelings came back of how it used to be before Jack. I fought the urge to flee from this cramped bed and crawl into the strong arms of the man who would bring some comfort to my sickening memories.

I slept once more and when once again my sleep was disturbed by what had transpired the afternoon and evening before and I opened my eyes it was to a brighter room as the sun started to rise, it was still early although I couldn't read the blur of the clock on the wall without my glasses for the exact time but for some reason I felt more relaxed. I pulled the sheet over my body which seemed cooled and refreshed from my few hours sleep and turned onto my back, stretching my limbs and wiping a hand over my eyes.

I still couldn't shake the sickening feeling inside each time I cast my mind over Jack and Robert together, perhaps that was the lesson to etch it into my mind to prevent such outbursts happening again. I couldn't help but think it wasn't so much my behaviour as my words. Jack said he envied me for the way I could express myself so easily, he didn't have a way with words so he relied on other things to express himself, the way he acted, held himself, presented himself, and it earned him a much high regarded respect from the people he was in charge over. I could read him like a book, his mannerisms, expressions, it was a like a whole new language I had learned with him, of him.

He had tended to the task of being with Robert with an expertise, making him feel completely at ease in the strange situation. Jack had taken each step slowly, easily, tentatively; I'd sensed no embarrassment or inclinations from Robert as he'd been led down a now familiar path of being used by a master. I sat up slightly in soft wonderment, perching on my elbows which I drew up so I could lean upwards, thinking, things had been measurably out of place, small intricate details which hadn't crossed my mind until now.

Jack hadn't spoken throughout, or even uttered moans of pleasure he must have been feeling. When we we're together he would drop words onto my skin which seeped them up each cherished lovingly. He would talk to me then, I could read every moment, know what he wanted, needed from me he would tell me and I'd comply to see to his every desire. Jack had prevented any eye contact from me throughout, had closed them from me in concentration his task.

His every desire, his task, the words resounded through my head as a bullet spinning through the air and hitting me full force as I dropped to the pillow once more sighing heavily. It had all been for me, from the moment he had ordered me to watch, casting my mind back I couldn't recall Jack being with anyone as our relationship became a gradual mutual pairing, and yet with another man he was as cautious and caring as with me. His task, to show me something, he desired to show me something. Jack knew me as I knew him, those eyes he'd kept from me, windows into his soul. Everything had been so mechanical, trained, robotic, something easily learned and never forgotten. But never with me, it was never a familiar motion, each time we were together was new exciting, different, passionate, everything which had been missing from their coupling.

His eyes had been empty, no expression, drained after the experience. He'd been kind and caring, as only Jack could to Robert but nothing more. Jack could have his choice of many men, bring them home night after night and he would treat each one with the same care and attention. But it was missing everything which we had; their souls would never be interlinked, knowing each need, expression, desire. My heart seemed to wrench, in those few moments of madness, my mind uttering words of hateful speech it must have seemed like a knife in his gut, twisting, turning, driving deep inside without a care of his feelings, thoughts, fears, soul. He had made me watch a natural action between himself and another, but that was all it was, an action. It had left him empty that he'd had to do it, a hard lesson for both of us, making me watch must have twisted the knife I'd already placed inside him, he'd avoided my eyes, lest I would see the pain it caused him. He stayed strong but left no expression that he had enjoyed the lesson he was teaching. He had shown me how much he cared, loved, desired, yearned for me, that I wasn't just some thing he owned, a mindless machine there to fulfill him every whim.

I felt drained, I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths trying to calm my pounding heart and heard Robert start to stir from his sleep. I glanced over and noticed the blurred mound moved softly and calmed once more. I got out of my own bed, and made my way to the chest of drawers pulling out some old clothes I had stored there. Clothes in hand I exited the bedroom and took a shower, before splashing cold water onto my face, trying to clear the confusion of bombarding thoughts which still prevailed even though I'd reached some sort of peace of mind. I put in my contacts, hung my towel behind the door and made my way to the kitchen setting the kettle in motion, gazing out of the window onto the patio, blue sky appearing from behind the shifting clouds of early morning and the sun rising into its midst.

I once more yearned to go to Jack, see if he still slept, crawl under the covers and attach myself to him. I felt a lump in my throat forming and busied myself pouring myself a coffee and out the front door, fetching in the morning paper. As I re-entered the hall, I heard a door creaking open and looked up to see Jack exiting his room, bare chested, brown slacks loosely hanging off slim hips a towel about his neck which he rubbed with a hand into his peppered grey brown hair. I watched his approach; he smiled as he neared me and dropped a quick kiss into my own still damp hair.

"Morning Daniel, that coffee I can smell?"

He continued past me and disappeared into the kitchen as I closed the front door. I felt my heart racing again, and followed him watching as he poured himself a coffee and settle into a seat. Tired eyes glanced over me, as he took a sip from his mug.

"Sleep well?"

I settled into a chair opposite him with my own coffee, and felt myself at a loss as to react to the situation. It seemed he was unwilling for now to speak of what was going on and I was expected to follow suite.

"Fine thanks"

A lie but one I was willing to say, after all I had brought my solitary night of tossing and turning on the cramped bed upon myself so I had no reason or cause for complaint.

"You got the sports section?"

I peeled the sports section from the paper and handed it to him; he smiled and engrossed himself in reading making small noises as he read through the headlines. I busied myself trying to lose myself in the main news stories, hearing the closing of a door from the hall and glanced up to see Robert also entering the kitchen. Jack looked up and gave him a wide beaming smile.

"Morning Rob, sleep well? Want a coffee?"

"Yeah slept great, and coffee sounds good"

"Daniel?"

I put down my paper and glanced over to Jack who motioned for me to get a coffee for Robert. I laid the paper down and stood slipping into my gracious host mode, and after a moment of re-boiling the kettle set a steaming cup in front of Robert.

"Anyone want breakfast?"

I didn't know if I could stomach anything myself but it didn't hurt to try and gain some ground by offering to the room.

"Omelette would be great Danny" said Jack, half engrossed in a hockey report and not raising his eyes.

I looked over to Robert who shook his head.

"I'm fine thanks Daniel"

"One omelette coming up"

I busied myself preparing the eggs and listened as Robert spoke after a few moments of silence.

"Umm, you mind if I call John?"

He requested with a soft calm voice, a little uncertainty in the silence which had been present for a few minutes. I heard the folding of paper and sensed the slight movement of Jack behind me.

"Sure no problem" replied Jack "In fact I need to speak to him myself"

I listened to the scraping of chairs as they both stood and Jack reached next to me to pick up the handset.

"You mind if I...""

Robert must have motioned to make the conversation elsewhere.

"Sure no problem, just make sure I get to speak to him before you finish"

I heard the beeping of pressed buttons disappear along the hall to the living room and concentrated on the food I was preparing and the sound of Jack settling back with the paper. My heart still seemed to pound in my chest with every motion Jack made near me, made me want to enter into his embrace, hug him and make him know I knew, understood, I needed to lose the unsure uncertainty of mixed feeling hanging in the air between us. I wanted to gaze into those tired lost eyes and bring back their life. I placed the omelette made just how he liked it in front of him. He grasped my hand as it placed down the plate, and looked up at me, pulling me further down kissing my lips as I bent further to him.

"Thanks"

I was frustrated, I wanted to melt into those lips, take them with a passion, lave over him with a thousand caresses and apologise with all my soul. But the lips were withdrawn and he went to the task of downing his breakfast, leaving me in my sorry, flailing state of confusion. Robert re-entered the kitchen, phone at his ear with a smile at his lips as he listened to Colonel Saunders talking to him, he let out a private giggle to something Colonel Saunders had to say as he approached.

"Here's Jack..."

He held out the phone which Jack took.

"Hey John, give me a moment will ya" he covered the handset with his hand "You two make yourselves scarce"

I glanced at Robert and motioned to the living room leaving Jack to his conversation and breakfast. I turned on the TV and flicked through the channels, asking Robert if he wanted anything in particular on. Robert shook his head as he sat on the couch so I settled on the news channel, half watching it, half thinking on how the situation had escalated and panned out. The news didn't seem to help the strange atmosphere present between us so I flicked on to the documentary channel which was thankfully based on something military and peaked Roberts interest a fraction.

We both seemed unwilling to speak of what had gone on in the previous evening, a decision I was quite happy to go along with. Still it seemed uncomfortable, but I settled into more quiet contemplation of my thoughts as I curled up my chair. It felt strange to have Robert present, to have Jack acting as if in some way nothing out of the ordinary was going on, yet reading something in the eyes he put on me. I tried to concentrate on the narration of the TV programme as Jack entered the living room.

"John says he'll be picking you up soon Rob" he said, settling onto the couch next to Robert as he spoke. He had donned a light white v-neck before joining us

"Seems he can't bear to be without you another second"

Out of the corner of my eye I could see a bright smile on Roberts face and a gentle nod, obvious to all that he'd been missing the Colonel just as much, I didn't miss the soft touch of Jacks fingers on his knee for a moment, or the quiet smile reflected back from him, and I certainly didn't miss the pang of jealousy that once more arose inside my gut and the need to go to him. I bit my lower lip for a moment, forcing my eyes to concentrate on the programme, feeling a welling emotion churning up inside me.

We watched the TV, Jack non-chalantly flicking through the channels when the advertisements came on and muttering about the programme we had been watching and all its inaccuracies as was his usual habit on such things. I smiled and nodded and listened to his murmurings which were all too familiar. With documentaries not to his liking he would pull them to pieces, with sports he would yell either encouragements or a barrage of insults; he'd laugh at the most irritating sitcoms, roll his eyes at non essential moments of overbearing outpouring of emotion, TV was a world he'd never been happy with, and usually found it an easy time to off load stresses of the day. I wondered whether I should take up the technique, another lesson I should learn.

I heard the pulling up of a van outside and glanced through the low window overlooking the front porch to see the black RV pull up outside. I glanced over to Jack and Robert catching Jack's eye who in turn nudged gently at Robert and stood. I stood also, not wanting to seem over keen to get rid of Robert but not wanting to seem ignorant of greeting someone at the door. I took my time, heading for the front door as Jack and Robert followed, Robert picking up his coat from the hook. I paused and opened the door to see Colonel Saunders standing by his van, dark glasses on his face to shade from the rising sun, hands casually strewn into his pants pockets a smile on his face.

I was aware of Jack pulling Robert into a soft embrace by me as I stepped back widening the door.

"See you guys later" he said as Jack released him and he stepped out onto the front porch.

"Bye" I said, giving him what I hoped was a warm smile, although I felt no similar emotion of it.

Jack stepped out onto the porch also as Robert headed down the porch steps , Colonel Saunders grinned as he got closer and cupped his face with a hand kissing him gently on the lips. Jack who had paused at the porch steps to allow them the moment of greeting, headed halfway down the steps. Colonel Saunders withdrew his hand and stepped past Robert for a moment leaving him by the van walking forward to see Jack. I watched as the two shook hands, speaking in low tones, bobbing heads before Colonel Saunders made his way back to the van.

As they climbed in and the van pulled out of the drive, I felt anticipation deep inside my stomach that finally I could confront Jack with my musings. He stayed where he was watching the departure before heading back up the steps. He looked at me with a thought filled eyes and paused in front of me, lifting a finger and running it along my jaw line. With a sigh he passed me and after I closed the door I turned to see him heading for the bedroom.

I stood there, in a bewildered state, should I follow, stay, and go back to quiet contemplation in front of the TV. Did he want to talk about it, or did he feel I needed more time to think about what had gone on? I felt lost, in need of guidance and unable to read the signals he was sending me. I bit my lip again, watching the open doorway motionless, hoping he would call for me, or step into my view with an expectant look of 'are you coming?' I needed him to beckon me, so I could fall into his arms and off load the burden I had brought upon myself, which weighed heavy on my shoulders and made no move to shift even after my tired reasoning's.

I took a breath and leaned back on the door, thinking. I closed my eyes and breathed, just breathed in hopes that rational thinking would take over for a moment. Why would Jack come to me, when I was the one in the wrong? Isn't it me who should seek him out, owed the apology, show the teacher the lesson had been learned. Hadn't it always been the same between us? Jack taught the lesson but it was at my pace, he had pushed my limits but in my time. I fought back the fears, that I was wrong, had gotten completely off track, that I'd failed in the lesson, that he would reject me, tell me to move on, abandon me in my desperate attempt to make all well again.

With an uncertainty of my fate, I started for the bedroom, slowly making my way, second guessing my decision, preparing for the inevitable order to leave. My heart thudded with an empty pain, my chest tightened, my lungs seemed void of the deep breaths I forced myself to take, and I paused before entering the doorway and stepped through.

My heart seemed to lose the motion of beating and my lungs emptied even more and I gripped the doorway as I was faced by Jack at the opposite side of the room. He leaned half sitting on the desk by the window, dark tired exhausted eyes resting on me, a pain in the brow, shoulders drooping in a miserable stance. His fingers gripped the desk, as if holding his body from slumping down into a mass heap of pain. I felt the lump of emotion which I had been keeping check on and pushing from my throat rising up once more and my heart seemed to sear in two as that sad pain filled brown eyes seeped into mine.

I felt the tears already pricking my eyes as I let go of the doorframe and crossed silently over the floor, a quiet sob escaping my lips as I flung myself at his body with a renewed vigour, wrapping my arms about him gripping to him tightly. I felt gut wrenching tremors filling my body as I cried into his chest, his arms wrapping about me with ease, holding me tight as I trembled. All fears left me, as I felt those familiar arms encircling, holding, embracing, and gripping about my distraught body. All words left me, all that was left in their void were tears of pain and sadness of what had taken place, and they all poured out into the welcoming chest. His fingers entwined into my hair, holding my head, chin resting lightly atop as he whispered soothing words, hushing me, gently coaxing me as my sobs wracked my body.

"Sshh Daniel....it's ok baby.... everything's going to be ok..... shh shh .... quiet baby"

All the pain, anger, frustration, jealousy out poured from those tears which I couldn't stop from falling, as if each one held a part of my fears and seeped into Jack, ebbing into his heart and soul. He whispered calmly and cautiously, holding me as each tear fell, as if drinking up each one which drenched into him.

As the sobs stopped wracking through my body, and my tears became less his hand left my hair and rubbed gently over my back as his chin was replaced by his mouth which dropped sweet reassuring, healing kisses at my brow. I turned my head slightly, and listened to the heart beat of my love, master, owner of my soul. He held me for a time, still uttering soothing words pressing his lips to my brow every now and then as I calmed in that comforting embrace. My body trembled softly for a time my body adjusting to the release of fears which I had just vented.

"I'm sorry Jack"

"I know you are Daniel"

"I shouldn't have said those things; I didn't mean too I don't know why I did..."

"Shh baby I know I know"

"God Jack I just feel so empty, I thought I was losing you, I don't ever want to lose you Jack, I didn't mean it Jack, never never.."

"Yes Daniel, shh it's ok"

I knew I was babbling, but I felt the urge to be reassured, that he knew exactly how I felt, that I was truly honestly, madly, deeply sorry for what had transgressed, Jack hushed me but I couldn't stop, needed to continue, to let him know the student had learned.

"I didn't understand, I felt lost empty, ashamed. I thought you didn't want me anymore, thought I'd lost you"

"Daniel...."

"Don't ever want to lose you. I didn't understand what it was about Jack, thought you were punishing me, god it hurt so much watching you with him. Wanted to stop you so much, never want to go through it again Jack, won't say such things ever again I'm sorry, so so sorry"

Tears welled in my eyes again, as Jack gave up on hushing my babbling and just held me, rocking me softly in the tight embrace. I feared to let go of him lest I awoke from my restless sleep to find it was some awful nightmare and my fears had come true. But the arms about me, the heart beat sounding into my ear, the soft lips at my brow and whispered expressions of calming notions were too real to be dreamed. Eventually I hushed and he slipped his hands to my shoulders, prising me slightly away from his body so he could look down at me. The dark brown eyes were tear filled themselves and I felt another pang of remorse of what I had put us both through, I bit my lip to try and prevent more tears falling from my own eyes once more. His lips held a soft smile, as his fingers trailed up and pressed at my jaw line as he lowered his mouth closer to mine.

"You'll never lose me Danny..."

A soft whisper on my lips before he pressed his own to them, softly parting them and entwining me in a strong embrace once more holding me tighter too him, mouths bruising together, melding as one, complete.

~~ the end ~~


End file.
